Book of Randomness
by Barfbomb
Summary: Random.
1. Chapter 1

**Warning!** Very random.

* * *

"Ha. You're fat...ha." Lionblaze said to Silverpelt. Silverpelt was silent.

"Ha. You're blind...ha." Lionblaze said to Jayfeather. Jayfeather snorted.

"Ha. You're crippled...ha." Lionblaze said to Briarlight. Briarlight looked disappointed.

"Ha. You're useless...ha." Lionblaze said to a rock. The rock killed him.

* * *

"Once upon a time, there was a tree." Mousewhisker said.

"What happens next?" Molepaw asked.

"Well, the tree died."

* * *

One day, Lionblaze found a strange Twoleg object on the edge of ThunderClan territory. He brought it back to camp, and Firestar and Brambleclaw agreed that it was safe. It was a book about _everything_ a Twoleg could learn. With this book, the clans learned how to read and write and how the world works. They taught other cats and soon, the clans took over the world. _Stupid Twolegs..._

* * *

There was a Twoleg named Bob. He found a quarry unabandoned by cats. He kept it a secret. One day, he explored to much, and the cats found him out. They hissed at him and attempted to scratch Bob with their claws. Bob ran. He escaped their territory just in time for dinner.

* * *

Lionblaze woke up to the sound of laughter. He walked out of the den to find that the kits were playing in the snow, just to be herded in by the queens. As the clan was beginning to wake up, Lionblaze woke the apprentices. "Dawn border patrol." He stated. When they finally woke up, they watched the ShadowClan border up and down.

* * *

Jayfeather walked through the rows of herbs at the abandoned Twolegplace. Ivypool was also there, "helping" Jayfeather.

"So, what are we doing again?" Ivy pool asked innocently.

Jayfeather sighed as he tended the catmint. "We're taking out the dead plants to let new ones grow."

"Oh, yeah." Ivypool realized.

"We have to get the catmint ready for leafbare. I'm guessing that there will be a lot of sickness, so we should start grabbing some now, while it's still here and- _IVYPOOL WHAT ARE YOU DOING!_ " Jayfeather screamed, turning around to sense the emptiness of plants that she uprooted. All of the living plants were plucked out, leaving the catmint and the dead plants.

"Opposite Day!" She laughed into Jayfeather's ear. Jayfeather was not amused.

* * *

"All cats gather around the Highledge for a clan meeting!" Bramblestar shouted across ThunderClan's camp. "I would like to first announce that the world has ended." And they all died.


	2. Chapter 2

**What if...** _Jayfeather, Lionblaze, and Dovewing were never born?_ (Meaning that Ivypool was an only kit and Leafpool never had kits)

* * *

 _Well..._ the prophecy of the three has not come true yet, thus their nonexistence caused the possibility that cats lived/died, as well as the lake drying up, possibly moving the clans north (past ShadowClan, I believe), thus changing the fate of The Tribe of Rushing Water... Pretty muck ruining everything.

* * *

Leafstar inhaled the crisp, cool air, violently coughing afterwards.

Oakfeather, the medicine cat, padded up to the old leader. "Leafstar," he said, placing his tail on her shoulder as she calmed her breath, "You should get some rest."

"Nonsense," Leafstar wheezed, "I'm not that old."

Oakfeather sighed. "Well, please get some rest soon." Leafstar watched as he left to the medicine cat den. _I am so old,_ Leafstar thought to herself. She paid her attention once again to the lake. The lake was an oval shape, With two rivers entering and two draining, evenly separating the clans from each other. To their left was RiverClan, and to their right was ShadowClan, leaving WindClan across the lake. _This is my home. I've lived here for all my life._ Leafstarturned and slowly padded back to her den.

A few sunrises later, a yowl of grief announced her death. Larkwing carefully placed Leafstar down to her grave. He looked up to StarClan. "Leafstar was a capable leader, and she led us to be strong cats, she was a great cat, and a great sister." he croaked.

 _But as one leaves, another comes..._

"Congratulations, Blossomleaf! You delivered three kits!" Oakfeather announced.

Blossomleaf sighed with relief as her mate, Barkclaw, rushed in with anxiety painted on his face, "Are you okay, Blossomleaf?"

"Of course, and look at your kits!"

"What shall we name them?" Barkclaw wondered. They thought for a moment.

"Let'sname the one with orange fur Lionkit." Blossomleaf decided as Lionkit opened his mouth wide for a yawn.

"This one can be Jaykit." Barkclaw stated, pointing at the blue-furred kit.

"And we'll name this one Dovekit" His mate agreed.

Blossomleaf sighed. "Leafstar would have loved to meet them."

Barkclaw smiled. "Of course."

* * *

 _ **Random!**_


	3. Chapter 3

now this, i like (Disclaimer: I don't own Warriors nor any other reference in this story. [Well... now that I think about it, I don't own anything! lol i poor person])

* * *

 **What StarClan actually does when there are no Clan Cats to bother them:**

Bluestar, Tallstar, Spottedleaf, and a bunch of other dead, shinny cats were standing around in a circle. There was one cat in the center, and they were chanting his name: "Bramblestar! Bramblestar! Bramblestar! Bramblestar!" the cats all yowled. Bramblestar looked as if he was about to cry. "Thank you, all of you! I promise to serve my clan well." He bowed down and with a _poof_ , he was gone.

Bluestar turned around as quickly as Bramblestar was gone. "Phew! Now that that's all over with, WILL SOMEBODY GET MA COFFEEE!?" she spat at the others.

"NO!" Runningnose hissed. "We banned you from coffee ever since the last time _someone_ gave some to you during your 'Coffee Kraze'." He slowly turned his neck and starred at Mosskit as he said it.

"Hey!" she chirped, jumping up on a rock to be eye-to-eye level with Runningnose. "So, first of all, that was MY coffee, and she stole it from me, and second of all, I'm not allowed to go to court because I'm 'just a kit' yeah I know right and you know who else are kits yeah that is right Marigoldkit and Mintkit they totally suedBrokenstarforblamingYellowfangfortheirdeathsBUTTHEYAREKITSTOOLIKEHELLO?"

All the cats that still remained in the clearing were staring at Mosskit, even Bluestar snapped out of her 'Coffee Kraze' and was starring at her daughter like if she was wearing a paper bag with twenty-inch high heels and purple lipstick (wait which way should the bag face? definitly backwards, good for her, and good for our ears...).

"ANDLIKEWHATTHEDARKFORESTIMEANLIKEIAMAMOONOLDERTHANTHEM _DIDYAHEARDAT **ISAIDTHEYAREAMOONYOUGERTHANME!MEEEEEEEEE!ANDOHICANNOTSUEMYOWNMOMLIKEWHATTHEDARKFORESTITISNOTFAIRATALLANDLETMEREMINDYOUTHATITWASA$20.62CUSTOMORDERCOFFEEFROMSTARCLANBUCKS** **WITHHALFCAFQUADONEVANILLATWOCARAMELTWOSUGARFREEVANILLATHREEMOCHA4RASPBERRYSYRUPSWITHCARAMELANDMOCHADRIZZLEANDYOUKNOWHOWILIKEMACOFFEEAT151** **FAHRENHEITEVENTHOUGHTHATISPROBABLYSTUPIDANDILLEGALBUTLIKESTILL!**_ "

By the end of it, Mosskit was foaming from her mouth and had fallen to the ground. Also, Runningnose, though being a medicine cat, decided to pull a Jayfeather and put Mosskit in an actuall paper bag and laughed at Mosskit convulsing.

 _Wait, what the Dark Forest, Runningnose? Jayfeather may be grumpy, but he wouldn't do that to a clan mate... even if they were already dead and in StarClan... and they were being annoying and... yeah okay I get it :(_

So long story short Runningnose drove Mosskit to the hospital because he didn't feel like healing her himself (he got her some coffee afterwards), Runningnose got to laugh at Mosskit while she was unconscious, but Bluestar never got her coffee, so she tricked Firestar into being her slave and forcing him to giving her a death-time's worth of coffee.

 _ **END**_

* * *

Purdy was a comedian on a stage, with a bunch of kits in the audience and apprentices as servants.

"So," he started, "did I ever tell ya' 'bout the doggo an' duh kittypet?"

The kits shook their heads in unison.

"Well your right!" he said laughing his butt off.

The kits didn't get the joke, but that's okay because the apprentices became wizard apprentices and gave them laughing gas and made them rate five stars on YelpClan.

* * *

Since Jayfeather is an almighty being, he thought it would be okay to give everyone catmint. Boy was he wrong.

Littlecloud thought would be okay to give everyone sushi, so after he died a sad death, he dropped tons of sushi from the sky.

Jayfeather and Littlecloud decided to team up, so they stuffed catmint into the sushi, and they accidentally started a sushi apocalypse.

However, at the same time, Willowshine and Kestrelflight went through a time machine and stopped Jayfeather and Littlecloud.

In the end, the medicine cat always wins...

* * *

 _Random is cool._


	4. Chapter 4

_**randomness**_

ˈ _randəmnəs/_

 _noun_

 _ **1.** the quality or state of lacking a pattern or principle of organization; unpredictability._

 _"we accept randomness in our own lives but we crave logic in art"_

 _ **2**._

 _informal_

 _oddness or eccentricity._

 _"we tease her for her complete randomness"_

* * *

It was another normal and beautiful day... not.

"Look!" Lionblaze yelled to the others. The apprentices looked up in awe. "There! Do you see it!? It's a sky! Falling from the sky!"

But there was nothing there.

The apprentices looked away in disappointment. The warriors looked at Lionblaze with utter confusion. The queens and elders relieved that nothing was going to squish them.

But then the sky actually fell on them and everyone died.

 _WHy? BEcause the skY is INVISIBLEZ!_

* * *

It was a dark, stormy night.

Jayfeather stormed into the den, soaking wet, startling Briarlight. "Briarlight!" He yelled, pacing around the room franticly. "Where in StarClan is my thermometer!?"

Briarlight tilted her head, confused. "UUhhhh... you don't ow-"

Jayfeather interupted, screaming louder. "What about my popsicle sticks!? I NEED those for my patients!"

Briarlight's face went from confused to worried. "Oh. This is about Sparkkit, isn't it?"

Jayfeather stopped pacing to look at Briarlight. "Pu- what!? Noooooo... of course not. I'm just saying, you know, if we ever need those things... I just like being prepared!"

Briarlight smirked. "Well, I think you are taking her judgement too seriously. She's just a kit! Stop worrying so much."

"Just a kit? JUST a kit!? You are underestimating her." Jayfeather mimicked her voice. "'Oh, wooow are you a _real_ doctor?' 'Medicine cat, doctor, same thing right?' 'Geee, does that mean you have fancy doctor-y equipment or something?' 'Oh, you don't? What kind of doctor are you?'" Jayfeather walked slowly to the edge of the den. "Well, I'll show her. I WILL SHOW EVERY CAT THAT I AM AS CAPABLE AS ANY DOCTOR AND ANY CAT WHO TRIES ME CAN GO TO THE DARK FOREST BECAUSE IT DOES NOT MATTER IF I AM BLIND!" Briarlight flinched to his words as he stood glaring at the clouds. "I CAN DO ANYTHING!" he finally yelled, into the night, waking up every cat.

But then he slipped. Physically onto the ground and mentally into a coma.  
:( #SAVEJAYFEATHER

* * *

 _Strolling through the park one day..._

 _It was in the merry month of May..._

 _I was taken by surprise..._

 _By a pair of roguish eyes..._

 _In a moment my heart was stole away..._

lol just kidding it was Jayfeather stealing my catmi- WAIT COME BACK ERE WIT DEM URBS YA DUG ATTIC!

* * *

 _Well I ran out of ideas so banana,_


End file.
